


Warning:  This Product Moves When Used

by Pervasive_Threnody



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Silly, Snark, Space Husbands, This Is STUPID, Why Did I Write This?, a hammock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-15 03:16:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14150775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pervasive_Threnody/pseuds/Pervasive_Threnody
Summary: "You're not gonna fall, Rodney.""You'll excuse me if I'm disinclined to risk my valuable person on your say-so, for what could very well amount to an Ancient kid's ten-thousand-year-old science project!"John shrugged.  "'Kay."And he sat down--and disappeared.The one with John, Rodney, and the space hammock.  Complete and utter nonsense.  You have been duly warned.





	Warning:  This Product Moves When Used

"Let me get this straight," Rodney said, staring.  "You dragged me _all this way_ \--"

"Sure looks like it."

"--the _very busy_ _person_ who spends a great deal of his professional _and_ personal time thinking of ways to keep you all from dying horribly--"

"Yep."

"--to look at what, exactly, a nice ocean view?"

"Yup."

"Well, that's very nice and thank you, except for the fact that oh, I don't know, _there's a nice ocean view_ _everywhere_?  Three hundred-sixty degrees; blink and you might miss it!"

Sheppard blinked.  "But I like this one."

"Oh, that is just--are you _trying_ to give me a stroke?"

Sheppard rocked on his heels.  "No.  Found something." 

"Leaving now; but if I get lost on the way back and die of a hypoglycemic reaction, I'll be sure to picture this uniquely memorable bucolic setting as my life slips away!  Wait.  You did?" 

"Uh-huh.  Check it out."

They were standing in an alcove exactly like countless others here, the kind people liked to paint in or make out on or drive golf balls from.  Rodney checked it out and saw nothing except more of what he saw every single day, everywhere he went.  

He rolled his eyes and folded his arms. 

"I'm waiting!"

Sheppard rolled his own eyes, getting his head and neck into it.  

"Look.  Harder."

"Congratulations!  You're the lucky participant who's been selected to field-test my newly operational prototype, Look That Can Actually Kill!...oh."

He followed the seesawing angle of Sheppard's neck and noticed what looked like two narrow beams welded vertically on either side, about five meters apart from each other across the length of the alcove. 

Well, that _was_ new.  He went forward to have a look. 

"What d'you think it is?" 

"Believe it or not, even _I_ have to examine something in order to draw a conclusion about its apparent purpose." 

Sheppard shoved his hands in his pockets.  From the corner of his eye, Rodney saw John watching him pace the length of the alcove. 

"Looks like a hammock."

Rodney's hands were busy examining a beam as he tried to find a way to interface his tablet.  He took a moment to flap one of them dismissively. 

"Yes, yes, it's a hammock without any place to sit.  You're really on point today, Watson."

"Why don't you try it and see?"

"Really.  And how do you suggest I 'try' it?"

"Sit." 

"And fall into the ocean and die?  How about 'no'?"

"You're not gonna fall, Rodney." 

"You'll excuse me if I'm disinclined to risk my valuable person on your say-so, for what could very well amount to an Ancient kid's ten-thousand-year-old science project!"

John shrugged.  "'Kay." 

And he sat down--and disappeared.

"I knew you'd see it my--wait.  What are you doing?  Sheppard?"  

Rodney crept to the very edge and saw nothing but a lot of empty space that stretched a long, long way down. 

"Oh, my god.  I should have known this would happen!  What the hell is wrong with you?  Do you have any sense of self-preservation at all?  Wait, are you okay?  Sheppard?  Sheppard!"

Rodney squawked and flailed and was just about to activate his radio in a panic--until a disembodied hand reached out and closed over his.  He yelped and jumped back.

"Relax," Sheppard's voice crooned.  "See, I'm right here."

"Not helping!"

There was an Ancient wooshing noise, the air shimmered, and Sheppard materialized, his person fully intact and floating outstretched on some kind of translucent gossamer netting-thing. 

Rodney stared.

"It's a hammock," Sheppard said breezily.  

"Of course it is," Rodney muttered, counting down from ten.  His heart rate was taking its good time dropping back to normal.  Frankly, regular association with John Sheppard was doing terrible things to his health. 

“ _Space_ hammock.”

"You knew it was there all along, you jackass!"

"That I can control with my _mind_."

"Oh, of _course_ you can--wait, you can?"

Sheppard grinned.  "Yep.  Panel here too, for you regular Joes."

Rodney glared at that pro forma, but indeed there was an interface panel once the thing had materialized, so his curiosity got the best of him.  

They messed around for a while with the settings.  Firmness or softness of hammock netting.  Color of netting.  Temperature control.  Some tinny but interesting music choices. (" _Space_ Mozart."  "I refuse to dignify that with a response."  "But you kinda just did."  "Not _talking_ to you anymore!"  "But you kinda still are.")  Background white noise.  Acoustics dampener.  Optional scenery holograms.  ("An ocean one, _really_?")  Opacity of invisibility shield.  ("Y'know, for _naked napping_ \--"  "Shut _up_.") 

All in all, it was a pretty fascinating take on a relatively unimaginative original concept.  Rodney was still cycling through the options and taking notes, happily distracted, when he heard Sheppard say,

"Hey.  Watch this." 

Rodney looked over just as the hammock lit up with garish flashing colors and lights and what sounded like the Ancient equivalent of disco music filled the air.  _Loud_ Ancient disco music.

"This is awesome," Sheppard yelled. 

"Oh, my god," Rodney yelled, despairing.  "You are a _disgrace_.  I can't believe I willingly let myself be seen with you in public."

"Look at all this stupid blinking shit," Sheppard crowed.

"Really trying not to!"

"What's that?  Can't hear you!"

Rodney threw up his hands and yanked on the connector of his tablet.  "Leaving now!"

"Oh, hey," yelled Sheppard, toning the music down a little and making the blinking and flashing more obnoxious to compensate, "missed a feature.  There's one more."

Rodney, for his part, saw no reason to stop yelling.  "Good for you!  Have fun!"

"C'mon.  Come back and take a look."

Against all better judgment, Rodney turned, squinching his eyes so just a tiny, tiny fraction of his field of view was visible.  He glared through it. 

"If you turn on another strobe light or a disco ball, Sheppard," he shouted, "I swear to every hypothetical god I can think of--" 

"Nope.  No disco ball."  The volume dipped a little more.  "C'mere." 

"What, into--is it safe?"  Rodney opened one eye fully and peered at the gauzy netting. 

He poked at it.  "You don't--how do you _know_ it's safe?"

"You think I'd let you try it if it wasn't safe?"

"Yes." 

"Fine.  You think I'd have tried it if it--"

"Yes!"

Sheppard pouted.  

"Pouting never works!" 

"Rawwwd-neee."  Sheppard patted the empty spot beside him.  "Come in the space hammock with me.  I won't let the mean, scary netting hurt you."

"Whining and mockery _also_ do not help your cause!"

Rodney smacked his shoulder.  John grabbed his arm and reeled him in.

Just like that, the noises and blinking and flashing disappeared.  The fluffy netting closed in and faded almost to nothing around them and the sky unfurled; deep, deep cloudless blue stretching endless from horizon to horizon, almost like--

"Oh," he breathed," looking at John with amazement, "it's like--"

"Clear blue skies," John whispered. 

"I love you," Rodney blurted.  He smushed his face into John's shoulder, because saying it was--was just that easy, and it _wasn't_.  "Just--so you know."

A long silence followed, broken only by the occasional puff of wind and the whispering surf far, far below.  Rodney figured that was the end of it, until he felt rather than saw John's deep breath--

"Yeah," John said.  "Yeah.  I do."

They rested for a while.  It was...nice, better than nice, sharing a hammock.  John's hand slid lazily up and down Rodney's back.  He nosed deeper into John's warm, solid shoulder, breathed his familiar scent, felt his eyes grow heavy and--he twitched aside the lure of sleep.  Shouldn't be here.  Never enough time, so much, too much to do--

John's arms tightened as Rodney lifted his head and tried to pull away. 

"Hey.  It's a _Sunday_ , Rodney."

"But--" 

"No excuses.  Respect my authoritah."

Rodney flailed against him.  " _You_ aren't _authoritized_ to tell me _shit!_ "

"Crabby, crabby."  John released him with a loud huff.  "Fine, then.  Go."

"Going," Rodney muttered, sliding away in the direction of his tablet.

"I guess I'll just have to enjoy this last feature by myself.  Such a shame, though.  Rather have someone to share it with.”

"Yes, yes, you do that--oh.  Right.  Which feature--"

Rodney turned back to look. 

Bad, _bad_ move.

Arms stretched overhead, shirt rucked up at the waist to reveal a tantalizing strip of warm, lickable stomach-skin, John Sheppard lay there with his irrational hotness on full display, a feast of sleepy and rumpled and delicious.  He looked at Rodney with soft pouting lips and sad pouting eyes, and Rodney's willpower ran up the white flag and utterly deserted him.

"Stop--stop doing that," he grumbled.  "For your own sake, at least, stop _doing_ that.  Sooner or later someone is going to catch you in public looking like--like _that_ and, and spontaneously combust like a value-pack of cheap Chinese fireworks, and I refuse to feel sorry for you when that day comes." 

But he surrendered anyway and was placated by John's apparent happiness as he tumbled back into John's arms. 

"Yay," John said.

They settled more or less side-by-side--apparently even Ancient hammocks were required to be just this side of cramped.  John slipped his arms around Rodney's shoulders and covered his nose and cheeks and eyelids and ears with tiny kisses.  Rodney grumbled and squirmed and tried to chase his lips for a while and gave up with a very manly squeak of approval when John finally dove in for a sleepy, lingering, open-mouthed kiss, their hands entwined on his chest. 

"Now for my next trick," John whispered into Rodney's neck, tickling the hairs on his nape.  He shivered.

The hammock began to rock, gentle and rhythmic, without any apparent application of force.

"Oh," Rodney sighed.  "That's..." 

"Nice, huh?"

"Nnn."

A little breeze stirred, redolent with the taste of salt and sunshine and a warm and happy John Sheppard.  Down, down went his eyelids--

\--and right back up again.  "I wonder how it--"

"Shh.  Nap with meeee."  John kissed the top of his head.  " _Relax_."

The idea was sounding better and better by the minute.  He nipped at John's pointy ear, couldn't help but ask,

" _Naked_ nap?"

"Mmn...later." 

"Later," Rodney agreed, pillowing his head on John's chest.  He closed his eyes.

There was no Rodney McKay in any universe, ever, that was _good_ at the relaxing and the napping thing, he was pretty sure.  He was also pretty sure that every John Sheppard in every universe, ever,  _was_ good at it, so it balanced out.  

It was almost like they were--they were--

He fell asleep.

***

**Author's Note:**

> Two stories in a day. I'm actually kind of frightened. I think the world may possibly be about to end...
> 
> Anyway, one of the things I love about these two is they just have this...fluency with each other. They can go from bitching and snarking to comedy duo to "Hey, I just wanted you to know, I kind of--" "Yeah, me too," and go right back to snarking, and it's all so easy and natural. It spoils me for so many other pairings.
> 
> And it's so fun to write. Like, it's probably kind of conceited to laugh at your own jokes, but I laughed _so_ hard at the idea of John's stupid blinking disco space hammock because it came out of thin air and it was like I _saw_ him doing it and it very little to do with _me_ creating it, you know? Like I'm just the conduit, so it's okay to laugh? These are the things I tell myself.
> 
> And, you know, this fandom is so prolific (still!) that the space hammock thing has probably already been done--but I was inspired by a random Tumblr post (! I AM OLD AND WHAT EVEN IS THIS TUMBLR THING, I AM REALLY TRYING) and the temptation was just too great. Hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
